Building relationships through listening: developing personal theories of change
I took part in training provided by Migrants Organise a few years ago on how to build relationships through 1:1s, a form of personal conversations where two individuals engage in a private, focused discussion. As a social researcher, I’ve been used to having many 1:1s where I try to get under other people’s skin, not just the issues they face but the values, environment, and culture that shape what they say.
Beyond introducing what brings me to working with them and why I’m listening to them, I’m not trying to get us to a point where we can necessarily take action together or commit each other to time to take the actions forward.
1:1s, however, are used in community organising for intentional and public relationships. Deliberate in the sense that they should lead to an outcome and public in that the knowledge discussed is to be shared — be it an understanding of what priorities motivate that person and what resources both parties want to bring to the table, as well as a public commitment of what both of us will do and how much time we will commit.
Reading JRF’s report on cultivating kindliness made me think about how you can use 121s to build personal solidarity between people. Here are their recommendations:
- Make kindness palatable
Kindness, a powerful tool in community relationships, should be facilitated in ways that are sensitive to language and presentation. Non-help-focused conversations and activities can serve as a conduit for people to express their needs indirectly, through topics they feel more comfortable discussing. This approach can foster a sense of hope and understanding within the community.
2. Nurture bonders and bridges
Bonders and bridges play a crucial role in community building. They help connect different community sections, demonstrating the hybridisation of older and newer forms of sociality. They act as intermediaries, fostering understanding and collaboration between diverse groups.
3. Create a shared myth
If people value a place, they are prepared to invest in it and in the people who live there
4. Build a common cause
People need to have opportunities to come together to articulate common values and build common cause to break down barriers and misconceptions
5. Build hubs of helping and third spaces
Identify focal points to share and make contact with others and public spaces where people can come into daily informal contact to help provide a sense of community
Types of kindliness:
Traditional: This orientation is shaped by moral beliefs, which appear relatively fixed and unchanging and offer both a source of comfort and a set of guidelines by which to live. Rapid social change can threaten the security of older collective and traditional notions of bonded communities.
Activist: This orientation is embedded in a clear set of values but tends to be framed more in social and political terms.
Rescuer: People who adopt this orientation tend to project a strong self-identity as protecting those who are vulnerable or in need while retaining a sense of invulnerability and strength themselves. Resistance to vulnerability expressed through action and helping is often unsustainable, as people may struggle to deal with their own needs for others.
Empathic: People who adopt this orientation are acutely aware of wider social change yet are more likely to grapple with or even positively embrace the challenges such change represents. They see individuals as having a responsibility to themselves and others and make a more considered assessment of whether to help others.
If people have experienced not being supported or have negative experiences where giving is simply a one-way street, they can express feelings of bitterness or resentment. Messages of self-reliance and independence can make it difficult for people to ask for help. These emotional responses are crucial to understanding why people might not ask for help or deny help from others.
Creative Citizens
Bring groups together that have something in common, but only a little. By exploring similarities and differences, you start to work out what is welcome and successful about what you usually do. For instance, if you’re organizing a community event, you might find that people appreciate the inclusive atmosphere and the variety of activities. Even better, learning what others take for granted may suggest a way to make changes you want to see, or at least what the conditions for change might be.
Elect an “agent provocateur or critical friend” who can ask difficult questions, turn suggestions upside down and take ideas to their absurd limit. This role is crucial in challenging the status quo and encouraging innovative thinking.
